extra rice, please.

I am re-posting a birthday treat from my long-time buddy and my spirit animal, Benny, whose most evident trait I recently discovered, is that of a liar:

FLIP and HEBE

by benny

Bebsy is this beautiful chick I met during my formative years living in Manila. It’s not what you think. She is an old buddy who remains constant in my life tho we live in different cities, different countries. We have this unorthodox kinship, as she provides me every now and then bits of wisdom (she’s 3 years older therefore she thinks she’s some Jedi Master) and entertainment with hilarious anecdotes of her sit-com of a life.

I quoted her many twisted and perverse views on social issues, and re-posted her own warped versions of world history which in my estimation has received the most number of comments on my blog.

In the middle of our recent discussion about the ongoing case of Oscar Pistorius, Bebsy designated me as key eulogy speaker at her funeral service. (She has this habit of jumping from one topic to another mid-conversation, saying something completely off topic sans warning nor smooth transition, expecting you to keep up and respond.)

Mean, wicked people, for the most part, live long evil lives, unless of course you’re Hitler or Osama Bin Laden. Although Bebsy believes 45 is when she kicks the bucket, considering the true nature of the way her bizarre evil mind works and the hedonistic life she led in her mid to late 20s (to which I have been a witness of) this woman will outlive us all.

I am going off the cuff today and dedicate an entire blog post to Bebsy, my emblematic life travelling companion, and show you, my readers, how our pure platonic and almost dysfunctional relationship, that is of a heterosexual male and a heterosexual half-female (a part of her brain is all-dude) works. I mean, I do adore her and all, but it’s not something I tell her cos she gets all emotional and shit.

See, it’s her birthday today. I will try to be non-revealing and eulogize my buddy, one who I believe is the lovechild produced from of an orgy amongst Naomi Campbell (her mouth!), Larry David and Sylvia Plath with Lena Dunham watching on the sideline.

1. In our younger years, Bebsy and I had a dream of getting our own travel show aptly called Flip & Hebe (Filipino and Hebrew). Genius, right? Picture Lonely Planet’s Ian Wright as a duo. Somewhere in my apartment is a notebook detailing episodes of lost cities & cultures we’d visit and document. We would have killed. It was a bloody brilliant concept. It is important that this is the first thing I mention in my eulogy. Her death notwithstanding, I have not given up on that dream.

2. Bebsy and I met at a bar owned by her first boyfriend. My buddies and I frequented that bar, located near the International School where I had worked. She would come in to occasionally hang out or help wait tables.

She never gives this historical fact to anyone. She’s long obliterated the memory of that Ex and she thinks that giving the story that we met at a bar makes her cheap and desperate. (her views always are off base)

My buddy Alejandro pined for her longingly. Like most regulars at the bar, he was a foreigner. A native Honduran living in Manila. After 3 shots of whisky he would romanticize Bebsy’s exotic beauty and hounded her to no end to run away with him to Lisbon and raise a family. She shone in the tender light of his gruff adoration, but she always responded with a funny comeback. She never took him seriously, never thought of herself as the beautiful and sensuous woman Alejandro saw her for. Unbeknownst to her, she was his first love. She broke the poor guy's heart. It’s my all-time favorite memory of Ironmike's.

3. On top of our travel show, a mutual love for the same music and mutual hatred for the same politicos, Bebsy and I bonded over books. We shared a collection of Maugham, Camus and Salinger. We both identified with Holden Caulfield and upped one another with Catcher in the Rye quotes. Man, we sounded like pretentious assholes.

When she broke up with the Ex, she wrote me a beautifully written account of the bitter break-up. I couldn't care less what happened, but through that email I discovered her flair for writing. In my otherwise drab life that year I got excited. Like a parent who suddenly discovers that his child has an innate ability to fly. Not quite, but close.

I continue to encourage her to write. I made her set up a blog. What is penned on extra rice, please does not even scratch the surface of her gift. She is just too lazy to write and hone her craft. (Genius of a blog title, I may add, because it was MY idea; it's her perennial request over a Filipino meal.)

Our friendship flourished because of many hours talking about existential and absurdist bullshit over mojitos, exotic meals and many email exchanges over the years; some were filled with great life secrets and regrets, most of the time with profanity-induced nonsense. She is honest and raw with the written word. You see her true self when she speaks through her pen.

4. Bebsy’s potentially intimidating confidence, (one part Zen-stillness, another part her large, bored-looking, judgemental eyes) is undercut by her warm sweet sincere smile, a discrepancy that can be disconcerting.

She looks like an evil bitch at first glance. It’s her height not very common for Filipinos, that protruding mouth, her face that looks like she’s criticizing you and letting you know she’d rather be some place else, when all she’s doing really is recalling what she ate for breakfast that’s making her stomach upset.

The secret to her social success is that she’s genuinely interested – not in all subjects, but certainly in all people. She enjoys listening to people’s stories, always asking questions without false enthusiasm and nosiness. She finds valuable lessons in people's experiences. She does not fake it. That’s how charming she can be and why people generally get smitten with her.

My girlfriend Holly was initially not impressed with Bebsy when I’d talk about my life in Manila. “I don’t trust that one. She’s up to no good.”

Ten minutes into their first meeting, the 2 were deconstructing ‘Talented Mr. Ripley’ and cackling in laughter while sharing travel experiences to Sorrento, Italy. Holly understands my connection with Bebsy, and until most recently actually appreciates it.

5. In a social setting, I always have a looming dark cloud over my head and Bebsy is little miss sunshine personified. I am the freak at a party, finding solace in the corner and people watching with my warm beer. She was my social crutch and my secret weapon to a lot of party obligations in the 90’s. I can never articulate her brand of humour. It's dark, self-deprecating most of the time, affiliative yet aggressive especially around close friends. She finds comedy in any situation, and I have to honestly say, that is one of her greatest traits.

I am astounded with the infinite supply of trivial information she keeps in her head. It's annoying. She has vast knowledge of films, books, music, theatre, history and different cultures that it makes me thrilled when she has the occasional mental blackout. She speaks in movie quotes and bursts into song even at the most inappropriate times.

6. Ironically, when she's affectionate towards someone, she could be mean-spirited, overly critical and potty-mouthed. This is her tender self to her treasured lot: people whom she holds dear in her life, those she lovingly calls Ass, Nerd, Douche, Idiot and Bastard; the very few people who understand her bordering-on-psycho yet comical way of showing how she cares and loves.

With our little group of 2, she monopolizes conversations. I give her a story of my terrible bout with stomach flu, she would cut me off and text a photo of a spot on her neck.

“Im glad you’re better. But check out that mole. You think it’s cancerous?”

I give slightly more of a free pass to her, since she is constantly surrounded with loud, demanding people in her life, seeking her attention and service 24/7.

On the phone I listen to her complain or talk about whatever mundane issue she needs to get off her chest, compelling me to robotically say “Uh-huh” or “no kidding” while focusing intently on a game on tv.

On video chat, as I seek her advise about a fight with Holly, she gazes at me with the most sympathetic look of concern, meanwhile off camera, she’s texting a friend about a recent episode of Dexter or Breaking Bad.

That’s how we roll. We are aware how we bullshit each other with our listening skills, but the fact is, a simple nod or "uh-huh" is enough for us both.

7. At the risk of sounding like a wuss, Bebsy scares me when she’s angry. She is quiet. She is never confrontational. She gets intensely mad when she feels abused and disrespected and when this happens, she walks away. Disappears. A massive character flaw, I'd always say. She has her own way of dealing with anger which involves her being isolated and alone.

We've had our share of dare-I-say 'girly fights' and with me, she has always managed to verbalize what upsets her. What I did wrong. What I should've done. What big dick I was. She is relentless. Guilty or not, I still feel at fault and find myself having a great need to apologize. Seeing her hurt is the last thing anybody would want. That’s her genius. And I hate her for it.

8. We are not a mushy duo. I’ve seen Bebsy cry many times. But she makes it look so comical that it's hard to take her seriously. In most cases, I would shake her, turn her inside out and make her realize she’s wasting both our times. Then I’d feel a need to give her a good smack in the head. Seriously.

One time tho she let out a soft, silent sob. One that she didn’t want me to see. That was very painful and heartbreaking to watch. I was bewildered and saddened by the bad hand life has dealt her during that difficult time, and when I saw her that vulnerable right before my eyes, my inherent reaction was to say nothing, just be present and hold her hand.

That’s the thing about Bebsy. One moment you want to wring her neck or smack her in the head, the next moment you want to take care of her and reassure her that you’ll never leave her side.

9. She sends text messages about almost everything: photos of her injured body parts, questions she can easily Google but too lazy to do on her own. She sends messages so confusing they are actually meant for someone else.

I complained about this manic texting once, and when she stopped, I found myself strangely missing it, missing her. Because her family and her very close circle of friends are all geographically out of her reach, it's her way of protecting the linkage. In her mind these random texts are her way of saying ‘I’m thinking of you. I'm making an effort to keep this relationship going. I value your response. So respond, Godammit.”

She complains about sending expensive international texts but has no problem calling me in Madrid from her cellular phone in Toronto to read a whole David Sedaris essay she thought was so funny. (FYI Nothing is funny at 3am when you’re doing your damnest to adjust to local time by sleeping soundly. So I don't think it was unreasonable for me to be un-amused. Sweet Jesus.)

10. She is never big-headed about her real remarkable talents (she's cunning & smart, puts the CakeBoss to shame & has the voice of an angel), but very arrogant about the ones she clearly does not possess.

I’m very intuitive, she boasts. No, she’s not.

I know what people are thinking. No, she doesn’t.

I’m a wiz at Math. Algebra, yes, she proved that one time, but Basic Arithmetic, hell no. Tell her your birth year, ask what your age is, her response,"Fuck.... Math."

I am a great basketball player. No one can prove this. No one has seen her play, not even Hans Smit, her own university phys ed teacher. (She bribed him with hard-to-find imported smokes so she didn’t have to go through a whole trimester of gym!)

11. She is the sweetest and kindest friend any man can ever have. That, I can attest to. She is thoughtful, selfless, loyal and trust worthy. She's like a big kid, really. She remembers birthdays and knows her friends’ mothers’ first names. She has this unique calming personality that makes everybody feel comfortable around her, making people she's just met feel like they're long lost friends.

She genuinely cares. Her kindness is beyond compare. She would take a bullet for people she loves the way she would do for her own children. The truth is, no one is like her.

Bebsy is the only person I can truthfully talk to and be myself without a shred of shame. We share our failures and victories, I confide in her the secrets of my heart, and with each other, we are transparent. With her, I can stand in the honest truth of who I am, without any tinge of judgment from her, and that is the gift she continually gives me in life. The great gift anyone can get by simply being her friend.

It’s pretty cool that I have a buddy like that who just happens to be a chick, you know?

Happy birthday B.

Love ya pal.

Ben

our last photo tog in an NYC cab

I was lining up for lunch at Tim Hortons yesterday when I noticed an elderly woman, in her late 60s, sitting alone in a corner table seriously devouring a book more than the muffin in front of her. She put down the book, took a sip of her coffee and wiped her mouth with a napkin. She stared blankly towards my direction as if visualizing and digesting what she just read. I peeked at what she was reading: 50 Shades of Grey.

I took a second look to make sure I was not imagining it. This woman, who is somebody's grandmother, is reading about bondage, ass whopping and kinky sex between a dominant man and a submissive girl in view of a busy lunch crowd. I mean, honestly..

I suddenly realized how mainstream being edgy and wild has become nowadays. Literary porn has apparently reached a wider demographic from what I'm seeing.

The 50 Shades of Grey phenomenon started with a subculture of bourgeois 40-something housewives reading this in their hoity-toity book clubs, and having giddy discussions about S & M and a confused innocent young girl getting her ass spanked by a 28 year old billionaire.

It became such a sensation and even caused wide-spread concern as to who shall play the lead characters in the film adaptation. Mind you, the book is god-horribly written. It displays the massive disconnect between what is recognized as literary writing and commercial success in publishing.

Yes, I've read the book. I read all 3 of them. And all I can say is that 50 Shades of Grey is a book that is ought to be read and USED in the privacy of your own little red room. It is a pornographic and masturbatory aid for readers, primarily women who do not necessarily enjoy porn, but who can reap the benefits of reading about it, add a little umph to the bedroom. It is definitely not a book you take to the train and read like a novel, or in grandmama's case, in full view of strangers in a busy coffee shop.

It's been said that when your shoe-shine man starts sharing stock tips, it's time to sell. Is it not the same thing when you see a Grandmother reading about fetishes and kinky playrooms filled with red leather furniture, you have to admit that the sub-culture of erotica has lost some of its appeal? When Grandma starts droning about exotic sex practices, exotic sex practices get de-kinkified.

Last night, a discussion on talk radio zeroed in on the dominant/submissive subculture that seems to be very visible now in Toronto. A mother called in complaining about his 8 year old boy, asking about their lesbian-couple neighbours whom he saw walking in broad daylight, one with a leather collar on her neck, attached to a leash that the other one was pulling. Did this just put a fork in your libido?

How much farther out there do you need to go to be out there?

extra rice, please.

Friday, 24 May 2013

Am here! Am here!

Thursday, 25 April 2013

throwback thursday #01

Wednesday, 3 April 2013

flip & hebe

Saturday, 23 March 2013

girls

Saturday, 23 February 2013

sung out

Monday, 4 February 2013

you asked for it, you got it...toyota

Saturday, 2 February 2013

de-kinkified