Showing posts with label imbiyerna. Show all posts
Showing posts with label imbiyerna. Show all posts

Monday, 3 December 2012

mind your own christmas beeswax


Ahhh, Christmas.  It really is a wonderful concept – peace on earth, goodwill to men – but sadly ruined in the execution.  Spreading joy to the world is all fine and dandy, but it is the season when traffic is at its most horrendous, shoppers are at their rudest, and you feign all these cheers and wishes to people you’d rather push off a cliff.  I am a Grinch this year.  

Mrs. McCluskey, who lives across from me, puts up her bright red and green lights with this massive peek-a-booing Santa on her front lawn while I still have giant spiders and skeletons hanging from my balcony.  It’s not that I have procrastinated putting down my Halloween decor.  The woman is way too eager to start her Yuletide season! It’s a bizarre sight to witness when you drive down my street. 

I look at Mrs. McCluskey’s decked out house as a warning of what’s to come. Christmas, I find, has become a holiday of obligation.  It is run by guilt and duty.  Expectations are high, tempers run hot, and budgets get thin.  You have to give to people and children you have not been in contact with for years just because eons ago you were baselessly anointed godmother to their offspring. 

And while everyone insists it’s the thought that counts, the sad fact is nobody wants to receive another bloody re-gifted box of chocolates from the drug store. 

It has become ridiculous, really, this business of gift giving.  Last year, a family member gave us back a $150 coat we gave her for Christmas.  She asked for us to write her a cheque instead for the exact amount to purchase a $350 coat that she would rather have.  I do not care how close her blood ties are to my own family. That’s just fucking rude.

See? My issues are not groundless.

I do not discount those with the truest of intentions, though.  They are usually the ones who give handwritten cards with personalized wishes, or small inexpensive gifts that make you feel like you were a great friend the whole year.  (Not to be pompous, but I am the best when it comes to friendship, and I demand no gifts from anybody.)

So, if you will excuse me, I need to put up my fake tree and hang my fake garlands all over my porch and front door while I simulate cheer and joy for the sake of my 2 children. They just started to count down the days until they receive their gifts from the biggest hoax this season has to offer (however benevolent it may be) that is Santa Claus.

Ho ho friggin’ ho.






Sunday, 2 December 2012

Death by Gingerbread House


Today I decide to be the quintessential patient, crafty and involved apron-clad mother.  The kids and I are doing crafts on this beautiful snowy Sunday afternoon. 

A tv commercial for a cleaning product depicts a woman whose grungy children and wet dog running amuck all over her immaculate white carpet, covering it in slimy black grime and mud. The commotion startles her, but instead of going ballistic, she sighs, shakes her head and smiles.


It’s a load of crap, if you ask me. Unless they're selling LSD-laced anti-depressants, it's a big fat lie.  Think about it.  Who smiles at a sight like that? Stoned mothers, most likely.   


But today, I embrace it. I choose to be THAT mother. Not stoned, but I embrace a messy kitchen, that will be filled with happiness and joy.


Girl, 8 and Boy, 6 want to build a ginger bread house. I take pleasure in saying NO to them most of the time, but I am the fun mommy this afternoon, so ginger bread house it is.  They are ecstatic.  They are filled with excitement and happily discuss their plans for this edible house. 


Ahh.. the Ginger bread house: a wholesome fun activity for the whole family! This allows them to develop their creativity and encourage them to work together on a project.  Art, education and entertainment, all for a low price of $9.99! Everyone wins.


I get my camera ready.  I give myself a pat on the back and feel proud for creating this sweet memory for my children. Photos will be taken and shared with family members and close friends.  Even better, I decide I will capture a beautiful moment between the 2 kids and make that our Christmas card cover this year. Perfect.


I bring out the ginger bread house kit.  An argument ensues about who gets the coveted role of opening the box. I give them my ‘look’.  Warning #1 is declared.  I open the box.


Type A personality Girl neatly lays all the ingredients on the kitchen counter. Devil-may-care Boy picks up a bag of candy from the neat pile, feasts on it.  Fight no. 2.  I threaten to confiscate the entire kit if any argument strikes again. 


They start building.  The icing fails to completely glue the four panels of the house, and as soon as the roofs are placed, the whole structure collapses.  Girl gets frustrated. She tries again, this time crying for help.  I put more icing, and instruct her to wait a few minutes for it to dry.  She follows my instructions.  She pipes a beautiful pattern of icing on the roof, squeezing more than she should have.  The weight causes the house to flop again.  She gets on the ground in a dramatic fashion claiming she has caused the destruction of this edifice. 


The Boy, with mouth full of sugar balls, mimics and mocks her and this triggers an all out war.  One is high on emotions, the other jumping up and down, high on sugar. Candies and plastic knives are thrown in defiance. 


Boy drops 2 bags of colored icing on the floor.  He gets off the kitchen stool and accidentally steps on both bags squirting red and green icing all over.  He walks on the goo, slips and lands on the Girl who is still in the middle of her emotional outburst on the floor. They scream at each other, both turn to me and simultaneously argue their case, expecting that I reprimand whoever started this whole debacle. 


I blankly stare at them in surrender. 


The phone rings.  It’s my friend Abigail who is now a welcome distraction to the ongoing chaos.  I tell her to not mind the noise, as it is the sound of my reality that I want to block for a few minutes.  Abigail, who is not a stranger to crazy fighting children, offers an unsolicited advice: 


“You know, what you should do, get them to make a gingerbread house.”






Sunday, 7 October 2012

Danke!


A 22 pound dead bird covered in cheesecloth sitting atop a bed of Yukon gold potatoes lay still inside the oven.  Poor bird.  He lived a full life only to be murdered so a party of 17 can be fed as they celebrate what they are most thankful for. 

On this day, I run on a time and tested schedule.  In an hour I need to take the cheese cloth off the bird and switch the pan around. In 2 hours the potato gratin and sweet potato casserole will share oven space, while I concoct my special gravy, which every year seems to be the first to go. 

Close friends and family members will start arriving in 5 hours.  At this time I am ready to hit the bed, change into my jammies, and have the sweetest sleep of the year after being up at the crack of dawn.  But I don’t.

I manage my exhaustion with a nice hot shower, fresh clothes and a red lipstick.  I put on a smile and allow the women take over the kitchen as I consume my first cold bottle of Corona.

This is my Thanksgiving.  It started one year when the combined powers of Martha Stewart and Katie Brown came over me and I decided to host dinner and give thanks for my countless blessings.  My daughter’s godfather in his drunken state and happiness volunteered my house and my dishes to everyone and declared it an annual Thanksgiving tradition.  It has been 8 years.

I am exhausted.  Every year I vow that it is the last Thanksgiving dinner I am throwing.  I stare at the dead bird, and feel sorry for its demise. I silently thank the bird for allowing me to celebrate this tradition I have come to both detest and embrace. 

A dead bird is what I am grateful for this year.  And I contemplate on other unexpected things I give thanks for:

1.       My son’s uncanny ability to comprehend sarcastic humour and his perfectly round buttocks.  I am also amused at how at age 6 he can casually talk about my death and his plans thereafter. He makes me laugh, my son.
a year old

2.       My daughter’s dry wit, her brilliance and beautiful curly hair.  Most days she assumes the role of mother in my household.  When stressed, she vacuums the living room. And at 8, she still proudly shouts ‘I love you’ at school drop off in the presence of her peers.  I still rule.
3 years old here

3.       My unforgettable birthday party at Attivo this year.  People who matter in my life back in Manila all gathered one night and partied with me as I turned technically old.  I sang “The Warrior” backed with a punk band I adore.  Best night of the year.  Hands down.
Shooting at the walls of heartache.. bang bang!

4.       My MacBook Pro, iPhone and Google.  The biggest life lesson I face nowadays. Brought on by these.  I love it.  I abhor it.  But am very thankful.

5.       Three Little Birds by Bob Marley. Who needs a joint when 10 seconds into this song, I'm in my happy place.  Panic attacks be gone.

6.       New and returning bebsycakes clients.  I am still amazed I make people happy with how I do my cakes.  Cakes!

7.       Maria and from-the-gut laughs we share because of random stupid conversations only she and I can understand and appreciate.  Best girlfriend someone like me can have.

8.       Jon Stewart and his gifted writers. Why I LOL at 11 at night.

9.       My kick ass artisan Kitchen Aid mixer.  It deserves a thank you.


The oven dings.  It’s time for me to pour a bottle of Guinness on the dead bird.  This is my secret ingredient.  Makes for a killer gravy too.

I hope the next year brings forth more blessings that will make a 20 pound bird worth killing for.

Bye bye, birdie.



He's not amused, is he?

Monday, 24 September 2012

youngblood Y2K

It takes a lot of courage to post this, but because of the 5 people in my life who held my hand, rolled their eyes and literally shook my being to enlightenment during those pitiful formative years of my adult life, I am posting this here in my little universe.... (since it has apparently been published anyway..)

To my Popie, Marc, Aloy, Liezl and Tinee... some parts were a blur but I am posting this in its original form as an homage to your support and saintly patience, so pardon the run-on sentences and minor  syntax errors.  
(I said MINOR ERRORS!!! Stop editing my work, Marc dela Cruz!!)

And without a shadow of a doubt, I can incontrovertibly say,  yes, I have moved on!! HA! :-)  

Good luck finding this blog..
I love you to pieces.


5 January 2000

This, I swear:  This is going to be my last piece about AG.  In the past 2 years we’ve been ‘together’, I have vented feelings of bliss, confusion and desolation on paper. I have been doing this as a coping mechanism, with the hope that reading it will eventually make me realize how idiotic and pathetic I've been for allowing myself to be in this predicament.

I finally decided to have the much anticipated ‘talk’ with him 2 days before the New Millennium rang.  I had to seize my opportunity, as I knew it was going to take another whole month before this break materializes.  Our meetings are always based on his terms, never mine.  I have practiced my lines for weeks- in the shower, when alone in the car, as I lay awake in the middle of a God-forsaken hour in the night- and there was no way I was going to let this opportunity pass.

AG and I met at work.  He was a tall, fetching British man and despite his mumbled and oftentimes inaudible speech, we instantly became friends.  We shared the same love for movies, travel and self-deprecating humour.

A deeper relationship eventually ensued after months of going out.  This dragged on without any ‘strings attached’ because of the convenience it brought us and the ‘secret’ aspect of it all had its exciting attributes.  We were both single, however, he was still my boss’ boss, and there were corporate ethics to be respected.

Things were going great.  The mind games we played were exhilarating.  Our repartees during business meetings were exciting and arousing.  

That, until my emotions took over.  It hit me one day that I did not have a clue how he really felt for me.  Our physical attraction to each other was incredible, but beyond that, I was clueless.  This has been going on far too long.  Where is this headed?  I was too anxious to ask.

I conjured up so many thoughts in my head – perhaps I had to give him time, because after all, he is a man, and any talks about the 'future' will scare him off.  I convinced myself that he truly cared for me and that his intentions were all pure.  I held on to these illusions and gave in every time he asked me out.  But my ‘not knowing where I stand’ was beginning to drive me off the wall.

I just had to prove to my concerned friends and more importantly to myself, that he did care.  I needed to assure myself that there's a little bit of self-respect left in me, that I can be smart enough to realize if I am being taken advantage of.  That this was more than just what it was, otherwise, I would have to end this clandestine affair.

For months I’ve attempted to talk to him about the definition of our relationship, but I was too petrified with the possible aftermath.  I just didn’t want to look uncool.  That was the plain simple truth.  BUT, having my great plan of self-reinvention in place, I went for the kill.  I had to be honest.

I assumed my position in my favorite spot in his posh pad – atop the kitchen counter – to soften the mood, lighten the atmosphere- as he opened a bottle of Chianti.  That was a comfortable place for us both, where we usually talk about work, our family lives and personal movie critiques.  Of course I knew he was expecting a night of hot wild sex.  We already had a little too much to drink prior to that moment… but I was still sober enough to say.. “We have to talk.” 

He was stunned.  Looked petrified, even.  But compare this to my 2 year agony because of this undefined set-up, it should be a walk in the park for him.

“AG, I like you…. I mean I like you “like-you” like you… but I can’t do this anymore..”

So okay, it wasn’t the best opening speech that was integral for my life’s happiness.  It was, in fact, downright pathetic.  But hey, I was being human.  And honest.  I stammered, half regretting that I shouldn’t have said what I said.  But I had a mantra in my head...“What we do in our lives echoes in eternity..” as Commander Maximus addresses his men before the gory yet beautiful battle scene in The Gladiator. The significance of that line escapes me, but I felt I was at war and there was no turning back. So I over-dramatize.

I knew what I wanted to say.  Practice makes perfect, you see.  But for some odd reason, I found myself at loss for words.  Pouring your heart out to someone you are unbelievably attracted to and in the same way very intimidated by can be too overwhelming.

But in the feat of self-love and the determination to move on, I continued my piece.  I just want to be honest with how I felt.  That was the main objective.  As for the negative outcome, well,…. I’m blessed with good health, financial means to buy good food and very supportive friends, I’ll live.

Stemming from my introduction which obviously lacked confidence, wit and by goodness grace and elan, I told him I liked him too much to continue having meaningless sex with him. But not in those words, heavens, no.  What I said was “…what I have with you, is far meaningless…to me..” (I know, I know.  Tragic, right?)  I should’ve stopped right there, headed out the door, and let the earth open up and eat me alive. Alive!

But no! I was on a roll!  That’s who I am.  When nervous, I unleash this verbal gobbledygook.  So, more words were spoken by this Joan of Arc, this goddess of unrequited love, this idiot who was eventually going to regret everything spewing out of her big mouth, causing more humiliation and pain.

I went on saying that if he just needed a fast roll in the hay, I was not the person to call.  You can get any girl you want, AG. But please, not me.  I care too much. I said like an actress reading Shakespeare.  I wanted to die immediately after I heard myself say those words.

Oh he got the drift.  He was not daft.

He did not say much after my Oscar-winning, boner-destroying speech, although I was too lost in my own thoughts to remember how he reacted to my soliloquy.

He did say he liked me too (being nice, of course) although it wasn’t necessary for us to be thinking of our future.  It’s amazing how he can present to me his feelings in one straight concise sentence, whilst I had to depend on hours of preparation and the use of hand gestures to convey a single thought.

He said that he was being unfair and he was sorry.  I got it the first time.  It was loud and clear.  I was being rejected.

The night ended with an agreement that we really should start hanging out the way real friends should.  Dinner, movie and coffee, ending with a peck on the cheek and an affectionate hug. (Riiiiight, like that will happen.)

I do not remember the feeling of bitterness when I left.  I was hurt and sad, of course, but I did not feel empty and angry.  Remarkably, I knew the difference.  I didn’t care if I looked like a love pariah to him.  Initially my intention to break our ties was to consequently earn his respect.  Even that didn’t matter to me anymore.  My friend Aloy was right.  One can never go wrong by being honest with how you feel.  I put myself out there, showed unbelievable courage. I stuck with my objective, and that I achieved.  I went through the ‘talk’ for myself.  I was honest, and it felt damn good.  Liberating, even.

The weekend went on and I felt surprisingly okay.  I welcomed the New Year in my family’s farm in Cebu, as he partied with his friends in a secluded island South of where I was.  Despite my vow to seriously cut linkage, we exchanged text messages the second the clock struck 12.

He called me a few days after, we shared each other’s New Years resolutions, our own views about the bombings in Manila, and a promise to keep in touch.  I honestly did not think of it as a sweet gesture.  I knew in my heart that it was his mindless effort to prove that he was not, in fact, an asshole.  I just need to write this down to remind myself: HE WAS JUST BEING NICE.  Nothing more to it.

The AG saga ends here.  I’m ending it here.

I saw him in Giraffe with his British friends last weekend.  I did not make an effort to say hello.  I actually made sure he did not see me.  I did spend a few minutes watching him enjoy the night.  I was not crazy stalking, no.  I just watched him in awe and wonder.

This was the man I wanted.  He had me wrapped around his little finger the past 2 years of my life, despite my best friends’ unabashed collective disapproval. 

I cannot say if I was ever in love with AG.  Surprising as it may seem, despite the experiences I’ve had with men I was allegedly “in love” with, I honestly still don’t know how that feels.

That night in Giraffe I was silently taking in my loss. 

He truly meant the world to me.  A very corny thing to write but it’s simple and true.  But I meant nothing to him.  I was simply a sideline in his life.  A convenient body when he needed someone to boost his ego and morale.  He was just being nice.  I finally accepted my defeat.

I left Giraffe with my bestfriend Popie’s arm around me, silently hoping the new century will bring me the happiness I deserve.




Strength and honour! -Maximus Decimus Meridius, commander of the Armies of the North, The Gladiator