Saturday, 6 October 2012

They had us at Hola: A History Lesson


Fernāo Magalhaes was a nerd.  He was the son of the mayor in his native town, and as a boy, he studied map making and navigation.  In his 20’s he joined a Portuguese fleet, engaged in battle and in the process got himself wounded.  As a result, he walked the remainder of his life with a limp. While nursing his injury, he was falsely accused of illegal trading with the Moors and despite his services to Portugal,  Fernāo fell from the grace of the King.

Ferdinand Magellan
He eventually renounced his Portuguese nationality, and then pledged his allegiance and offered his navigational services to Spain, and took the name Ferdinand Magellan.  Because really, what were his other options?

In 1521, Magellan and his fleet of 5 ships came upon the Philippines and claimed all of her 7,107 islands for Mother Spain.  They weren’t really the first foreigners to arrive the archipelago seeing that Indians and Chinese were already trading with the natives, but first to claim to have discovered it.  These Spaniards were just too cheeky for their own good.

Naturally, the natives were greatly impressed with Magellan's circumnavigation project and very much in awe with this bunch of sweaty armor clad mestizos.  They smiled graciously and went for the beeline to be baptized. They gave up their land and proclaimed an unknown crazy man as their King who lived half way across the world.  Because as a people, we bow and say yes to whatever a white looking dude tells us to do. (Note sarcasm here. Actual historians, hold your hate mails.)

We as Filipinos are known for our hospitality, as evidenced by travel books and websites. It must have started here.  We're so hospitable we gave our land away. It would've been crass not to.

Battle of Mactan, 1521
Not everyone took to the Spaniards, though.  A native tribal chief warrior, Lapu-Lapu, was not impressed with the foreigners and refused to be the vassal of Spain.  Magellan and his men wanted to give him a lesson, went after him, but in the end, got their asses resoundingly whopped.

My friend XabiWanKenobi assumed that Magellan died from a disease during transit back to Spain.  This is historically incorrect.  He was killed in battle by the great Lapu-Lapu from Mactan, Cebu.

There is little known fact about the great Philippine hero Lapu-Lapu, which coincidentally is also the name of a type of fish.

Years ago I attended a film workshop by a brilliant Filipino filmmaker with metal plates in his head.  Noel Lim went off topic and discussed his own theory about Magellan and Lapu-Lapu. 

Magellan is peddling ashore one morning and a giant fish jumps out of the water and devours him.  “What the heck was that?” cry his men.  “Lapu-lapu!” a native onlooker answers.

The Spaniards head back to their Motherland and report their commander’s untimely demise.

“Who killed Magellan?” the King asks.  “Lapu-Lapu.”, they say.

“Who is this Lapu-Lapu?”

His men look at each other in silence, contemplating on their beloved leader now reduced to fish shit in the bottom of the ocean. The most loyal in the group speaks up, “Um…err…he was a fierce tribal warrior! Yeah, yeah…that’s right…he was so big and strong!”

Because of Noel’s genius as a writer and filmmaker, I’m sticking to this story as historical fact.  It has more pizazz.

Anyway, the Spaniards came back a few years later, this time bringing with them mean chubby friars and converted everyone into guilt-ridden Christians. They overstayed their welcome for more than 300 years.

That’s how ‘Shit, coño dude!’ came to be.


Friday, 5 October 2012

No Pork on my Fork


“I don’t eat meat. I’m not a carnival.” –Filipina Supermodel Melanie Marquez

If you’re eating and almost snorted out food from your nose when you read that, chances are we could be really good friends.  You’re also most likely Filipino who went to an all-girl Catholic high school with an English teacher so strict the mere mention of her name, you immediately stand or sit up straight from your habitual slouched posture.

Former Miss International Melanie Marquez is a self-confessed Madame Malapropism.  She says the funniest and ridiculous statements with such earnestness and conviction.  Things that make you go, “HUH?!?!” And then laugh out loud.

She was in tears during an interview about her brother who was accused of beating up his then girlfriend, a presidential daughter.  “Don’t judge my brother.  He’s not a book.”

See, the objective is there.  She spontaneously experiments with the English language and transforms it into something complex, wrong yet wonderful for us to hear.

She has always been a punch line of every joke and a favorite water cooler topic every time she appears on live tv.  But she embraces it.  She does not apologize for her lack of linguistic knowledge.  She talks and goes on with so much passion and in the process entertains a huge chunk of her audience anticipating the next ‘Melanism’ that will be quoted and beaten to death.

An unsolicited advice to a young upcoming actress Nikki Valdez:  “Nikki, you’re so talented! You should move to the States! You will sell hotcakes!”

A complaint to a pushy reporter: “Ang dami mong tanong! (You have so many questions!) You’re so questionable!”

Response to her harsh critics: “I won’t stoop down to my level.”

At a talk show after her break-up with Derek Dee, Melanie was asked if she had some words for Derek's mother, whom she partly blamed for the separation: "Oo nga,  pero i-English-in ko para maintindihan niya." (I will say it in English so she'll understand.)   She looked into the camera and, with the
 peremptoriness of royalty, said, "And to you, Mrs Dee, I have 2 
words for you:  Ang labo mo!"  (sorry, non-Tagalog speaking peeps, the humor here is untranslatable)

Non-Filipinos think it’s mean.  That we are snobs for laughing at someone’s disability.  Screw you.  You don’t get it.  We’re not laughing AT her.  Nor are we laughing with her for in her world, she is profoundly articulate.  It’s the absurdity wrapped in a tall beautiful woman with the most fabulous “long-legged” the world has ever seen.

Filipinos are mean to each other that way.  But we all still end up laughing our heads off together in the end.

I end this post with Melanie's acceptance speech after winning the Best Actress Award one year.  "Ito na po ang pinakamaligayang Pasko at Manigong Taon sa inyong lahat!"
(This is undoubtedly my merriest Christmas and a happy new year to you all!)

Nalito
(Disoriented much.)

Photo credit: Angel on Fire

Wednesday, 26 September 2012

The Dying Goat


“ You are a goat that has been separated from the rest of your goat community.  You are lost in the wilderness.  As you stumble through the wilderness, in your goat-like panic, you prick yourself on the thorn of a honey locust.  Don’t let its name fool you: the thorns are evil, five-inch suckers, very nasty.  The puncture wound is deep and, in your best, medically unprofessional assessment, lethal.  You will probably bleed to death, alone out there in the wilderness.  You quickly go through Elisabeth Kubler-Ross’s five stage of grief and come to accept your demise.  Then, in your indefatigable need to express yourself, as a writer of truth, even in the hour of your own inevitable death, you find a well-nubbed twig and dip it in the puddle of our blood.  What are your final words?” ~Jay Kirk


All I wanted was to be happy.  I am sorry.



  

Monday, 24 September 2012

youngblood Y2K

It takes a lot of courage to post this, but because of the 5 people in my life who held my hand, rolled their eyes and literally shook my being to enlightenment during those pitiful formative years of my adult life, I am posting this here in my little universe.... (since it has apparently been published anyway..)

To my Popie, Marc, Aloy, Liezl and Tinee... some parts were a blur but I am posting this in its original form as an homage to your support and saintly patience, so pardon the run-on sentences and minor  syntax errors.  
(I said MINOR ERRORS!!! Stop editing my work, Marc dela Cruz!!)

And without a shadow of a doubt, I can incontrovertibly say,  yes, I have moved on!! HA! :-)  

Good luck finding this blog..
I love you to pieces.


5 January 2000

This, I swear:  This is going to be my last piece about AG.  In the past 2 years we’ve been ‘together’, I have vented feelings of bliss, confusion and desolation on paper. I have been doing this as a coping mechanism, with the hope that reading it will eventually make me realize how idiotic and pathetic I've been for allowing myself to be in this predicament.

I finally decided to have the much anticipated ‘talk’ with him 2 days before the New Millennium rang.  I had to seize my opportunity, as I knew it was going to take another whole month before this break materializes.  Our meetings are always based on his terms, never mine.  I have practiced my lines for weeks- in the shower, when alone in the car, as I lay awake in the middle of a God-forsaken hour in the night- and there was no way I was going to let this opportunity pass.

AG and I met at work.  He was a tall, fetching British man and despite his mumbled and oftentimes inaudible speech, we instantly became friends.  We shared the same love for movies, travel and self-deprecating humour.

A deeper relationship eventually ensued after months of going out.  This dragged on without any ‘strings attached’ because of the convenience it brought us and the ‘secret’ aspect of it all had its exciting attributes.  We were both single, however, he was still my boss’ boss, and there were corporate ethics to be respected.

Things were going great.  The mind games we played were exhilarating.  Our repartees during business meetings were exciting and arousing.  

That, until my emotions took over.  It hit me one day that I did not have a clue how he really felt for me.  Our physical attraction to each other was incredible, but beyond that, I was clueless.  This has been going on far too long.  Where is this headed?  I was too anxious to ask.

I conjured up so many thoughts in my head – perhaps I had to give him time, because after all, he is a man, and any talks about the 'future' will scare him off.  I convinced myself that he truly cared for me and that his intentions were all pure.  I held on to these illusions and gave in every time he asked me out.  But my ‘not knowing where I stand’ was beginning to drive me off the wall.

I just had to prove to my concerned friends and more importantly to myself, that he did care.  I needed to assure myself that there's a little bit of self-respect left in me, that I can be smart enough to realize if I am being taken advantage of.  That this was more than just what it was, otherwise, I would have to end this clandestine affair.

For months I’ve attempted to talk to him about the definition of our relationship, but I was too petrified with the possible aftermath.  I just didn’t want to look uncool.  That was the plain simple truth.  BUT, having my great plan of self-reinvention in place, I went for the kill.  I had to be honest.

I assumed my position in my favorite spot in his posh pad – atop the kitchen counter – to soften the mood, lighten the atmosphere- as he opened a bottle of Chianti.  That was a comfortable place for us both, where we usually talk about work, our family lives and personal movie critiques.  Of course I knew he was expecting a night of hot wild sex.  We already had a little too much to drink prior to that moment… but I was still sober enough to say.. “We have to talk.” 

He was stunned.  Looked petrified, even.  But compare this to my 2 year agony because of this undefined set-up, it should be a walk in the park for him.

“AG, I like you…. I mean I like you “like-you” like you… but I can’t do this anymore..”

So okay, it wasn’t the best opening speech that was integral for my life’s happiness.  It was, in fact, downright pathetic.  But hey, I was being human.  And honest.  I stammered, half regretting that I shouldn’t have said what I said.  But I had a mantra in my head...“What we do in our lives echoes in eternity..” as Commander Maximus addresses his men before the gory yet beautiful battle scene in The Gladiator. The significance of that line escapes me, but I felt I was at war and there was no turning back. So I over-dramatize.

I knew what I wanted to say.  Practice makes perfect, you see.  But for some odd reason, I found myself at loss for words.  Pouring your heart out to someone you are unbelievably attracted to and in the same way very intimidated by can be too overwhelming.

But in the feat of self-love and the determination to move on, I continued my piece.  I just want to be honest with how I felt.  That was the main objective.  As for the negative outcome, well,…. I’m blessed with good health, financial means to buy good food and very supportive friends, I’ll live.

Stemming from my introduction which obviously lacked confidence, wit and by goodness grace and elan, I told him I liked him too much to continue having meaningless sex with him. But not in those words, heavens, no.  What I said was “…what I have with you, is far meaningless…to me..” (I know, I know.  Tragic, right?)  I should’ve stopped right there, headed out the door, and let the earth open up and eat me alive. Alive!

But no! I was on a roll!  That’s who I am.  When nervous, I unleash this verbal gobbledygook.  So, more words were spoken by this Joan of Arc, this goddess of unrequited love, this idiot who was eventually going to regret everything spewing out of her big mouth, causing more humiliation and pain.

I went on saying that if he just needed a fast roll in the hay, I was not the person to call.  You can get any girl you want, AG. But please, not me.  I care too much. I said like an actress reading Shakespeare.  I wanted to die immediately after I heard myself say those words.

Oh he got the drift.  He was not daft.

He did not say much after my Oscar-winning, boner-destroying speech, although I was too lost in my own thoughts to remember how he reacted to my soliloquy.

He did say he liked me too (being nice, of course) although it wasn’t necessary for us to be thinking of our future.  It’s amazing how he can present to me his feelings in one straight concise sentence, whilst I had to depend on hours of preparation and the use of hand gestures to convey a single thought.

He said that he was being unfair and he was sorry.  I got it the first time.  It was loud and clear.  I was being rejected.

The night ended with an agreement that we really should start hanging out the way real friends should.  Dinner, movie and coffee, ending with a peck on the cheek and an affectionate hug. (Riiiiight, like that will happen.)

I do not remember the feeling of bitterness when I left.  I was hurt and sad, of course, but I did not feel empty and angry.  Remarkably, I knew the difference.  I didn’t care if I looked like a love pariah to him.  Initially my intention to break our ties was to consequently earn his respect.  Even that didn’t matter to me anymore.  My friend Aloy was right.  One can never go wrong by being honest with how you feel.  I put myself out there, showed unbelievable courage. I stuck with my objective, and that I achieved.  I went through the ‘talk’ for myself.  I was honest, and it felt damn good.  Liberating, even.

The weekend went on and I felt surprisingly okay.  I welcomed the New Year in my family’s farm in Cebu, as he partied with his friends in a secluded island South of where I was.  Despite my vow to seriously cut linkage, we exchanged text messages the second the clock struck 12.

He called me a few days after, we shared each other’s New Years resolutions, our own views about the bombings in Manila, and a promise to keep in touch.  I honestly did not think of it as a sweet gesture.  I knew in my heart that it was his mindless effort to prove that he was not, in fact, an asshole.  I just need to write this down to remind myself: HE WAS JUST BEING NICE.  Nothing more to it.

The AG saga ends here.  I’m ending it here.

I saw him in Giraffe with his British friends last weekend.  I did not make an effort to say hello.  I actually made sure he did not see me.  I did spend a few minutes watching him enjoy the night.  I was not crazy stalking, no.  I just watched him in awe and wonder.

This was the man I wanted.  He had me wrapped around his little finger the past 2 years of my life, despite my best friends’ unabashed collective disapproval. 

I cannot say if I was ever in love with AG.  Surprising as it may seem, despite the experiences I’ve had with men I was allegedly “in love” with, I honestly still don’t know how that feels.

That night in Giraffe I was silently taking in my loss. 

He truly meant the world to me.  A very corny thing to write but it’s simple and true.  But I meant nothing to him.  I was simply a sideline in his life.  A convenient body when he needed someone to boost his ego and morale.  He was just being nice.  I finally accepted my defeat.

I left Giraffe with my bestfriend Popie’s arm around me, silently hoping the new century will bring me the happiness I deserve.




Strength and honour! -Maximus Decimus Meridius, commander of the Armies of the North, The Gladiator


Wednesday, 1 August 2012

used to be



I read from a blog (whose author is fast becoming one of my favorite persons in the world) how much a cliché it is for anybody with fingers, access to a computer and half of an idea to start a blog and unleash verbal diarrhea on anybody who cares enough to listen.  What I find, though, is a lot of “bloggers”’ main focus is creating interesting content with the intent of increasing followers,  resulting to amassed traffic,  and thus giving them leverage to sell ad space.  It’s all about business, isn’t it? Nothing wrong with that, really.  But that is not my intention here.

I used to be a moderately good writer.  In highschool, my bestfriend Goo and I were very much into new wave and punk music, while everyone else had Wham and Rick Springfield on their Walkman.  How we thought of ourselves as cool non-conformists! We created this imaginary awesome band where I was the lead singer and she played the keyboards.  The main heart of this highschool fantasy was a fictitious magazine with brilliant articles we both wrote, about our band’s music, our personal fabulous lives and relationships.  We had no intention of having it published let alone be read by anybody but ourselves. It was a unique  and comical form of artistic expression which we are both still very proud of to this day. (We did successfully put up our band in our Senior year, wrote original songs, performed in school and then branded as Satanists by the nuns.)

Goo and I at Fred's Revolucion
Manila, March 2012
This writing exercise turned into amusing letter exchanges when we took different paths after highschool and went to different universities.  Communication was so much different back then.  Each snail mail was carefully handwritten, beautifully composed sans syntax and spelling errors, detailing our adventures and misadventures of what we regarded as real adult life.

As we went through different phases of our lives, meeting more interesting people, our letters got fewer and farther in between, until it eventually came to an end.  My writing since then was limited to essays as academic requirements, corporate reports & correspondences and journal entries when I had time and the occasional inspiration.

My mother has always told me that I am a talented writer. That I am a gifted storyteller.  This is not true.  It is her God-given responsibility as a mother to encourage me and magnify a tiny piece of my skill she may have chanced upon in the past.  I love her for it, but at the same time it annoys me to death.

This blog is my attempt to bring back my lost love for writing.  It is a self imposed exercise to improve what I thought years ago I was fairly good at.  Just like the magazine I co-produced in highschool, I have no intention of anybody reading this blog and therefore nothing I write here will be for the purpose of feeding my ego nor impressing anyone I know or detest.  I ‘d be lucky if somebody stumbles upon this and understands my objective.

~~~

I just saw David Letterman telling Justin Bieber how he should not go crazy with his tattoos by putting a mural on his chest like the Sistine Chapel.  He responds, “I’m not going for the Sixteenth Chapel.”  What the fuck.

Monday, 23 July 2012

blog shmlog



For a long time I've wanted to write a special journal, a 'book' on my everyday musings, predicaments, thoughts, written in letter-form for my daughter Sofia.  She is my firstborn, the female love of my life, the one who will bring forth all my unrealized dreams. Okay, so I have my issues. Bite me.

I've planned to start this book way before she was born.  I had this grand plan of writing down every detail about my pregnancy, her childhood, our family and friends and what was happening in the world as we lived our lives.  This book will provide her with a clear picture of her personal history and (more importantly) mine, not just as a mother but as an actual human being, flaws and all. (yes, i said it, flaws.)

I had pictured it in my head...me on my death bed, Sofia beside me looking radiant despite her overwhelming grief over my imminent passing.  I hand her a thick worn book. This is for you, my love.  (of course there's more of them in some storage unit..obviously not one book alone can cover what i had written since she was a wee one. but i do not need to discuss logistics, do i??) 

She gives me this you-are-the-best-mother-in-the-world look, she then tells me she loves me more than I can imagine, I close my eyes, follow the bright light, and yadda yadda yadda.  

Of course I'm assumming I go straight to heaven with all my crushes since high school.

Because of who I am, Sofia turned 8 this year and I have not produced a single letter.  Not one.  Hey, life happened.  But I swear I will. I think I will...yes, yes I will.

But just in case I don't get around to doing that marvelous 'letters to sofia' project, I can simply whisper 'extra rice, please?' on my deathbed.

Hopefully she won't literally bring me a cup of hot Asian rice, and will instead figure out how to get to this blog.